Saturday, July 24, 2010

Welcome. On My Forehead.

I am the type who always looks after everyone. Always. I put everyone's needs before my own and I always end up sad and crying to myself at night because I don't take care of myself and I feel like a doormat. You'd think this might actually stop the cycle, one day I'd say "no, this is what I want and I'm taking it." However, if I don't do everything I can to make others happy all the time I feel like I'm a terrible person.
Before he left, the guy I currently am, well, lets be honest here, am irrationally in love with, asked me, "You're like me. You're always taking care of others but who's going to take care of you?"
Certainly not myself. It's sad isn't it, when you thought you were this emotionally strong person who had so many great attributes but you can't even have the strength to make sure you're okay.
I guess I'm the doormat forever.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Signs, Destiny and Idiocy.

Clerical Errors.
With a last name like Smith, you assume that people will automatically know how to spell your name. Remember in like, grade 7 or whatever when you got introduced to the "when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me." parable? All I did was laugh because the teacher totally just said ass.
I never assume that I will make errors. I know this is stupid, and you can totally call me on it. 99% of the time I write on this it's because I've done something stupid and it's branched into some revelation that I need to write a much deeper than it really should be analysis of. It's not like I'm curing cancer here, I hope at the very least to entertain. Though my life feels like an endless plot of punch lines I hope there's something deeper.
My point.
By the time this goes live my best friend will (hopefully) know that I made a very huge, very epic clerical error. I forgot an underscore. I've always hated those bloody things, especially when people put two in a row and it's like "is that one, two, or five. Are you twenty, twelve, or nine?"
I would like to point out that my articles I write professionally are not so Joyce-esque. They're written properly with impeccable grammar, sentence structure and whatnot.
I've also been thinking a lot about fate. Do we get signs? If I go for the Catholic view I was raised with- which I'm totally considering thanks to St. Anthony for finding my elephant necklace and black hoodie, I could almost interpret the Saints sending me signs that I've been (pathetically, desperately) asking[/begging] for.
And what about love? I've never been an expert on the stuff, but I'm told it's fantastic and that you'll know when you are. How do you know? What if you know but you want to deny it, or transfer it. How does an intangible force rule the world?
The problem with me is that I ask so many questions, but never try for the answers or solutions.
Wish me luck on this one... That sentence totally just afforded me another sign. I think I'll listen.