Saturday, May 2, 2009

it's like a cloud of maybe.

I think it's human nature to always doubt our abilities, at least once in a while. This brings me to the classic question in human psychology: nature vs. nurture. Is this trend toward never thinking you're good enough a byproduct of people just naturally doing it because they honestly don't think they are, or if it's because it's so ingrained into us. I mean, first off as a child there's always that douchebag in our class who is like faster and smarter and better so we have that "timmy will always be better than me even though he eats paste and can't keep his shirt on" complex. Or maybe it's the whole modesty thing. I mean sure, confidence is attractive, but no one likes the guy who's like "I rock at this! I'm the best! I know I'm so awesome and in 10 years they will all say Timmy is great and paste is the new superfood and it worked so well that Timmy and everyone else who eats paste can go shirtless for the rest of their days." (seriously though, don't eat paste. it tastes terrible even if you dilute it.) What if Timmy is really just insecure and putting on a mask and is just a really good actor? 

I'm a pretty good actress (look at me doing it, I've watched film of myself, I didn't recognize myself and caught me thinking "that girls good!" so I guess I'm good). I am confident, and I do know that I don't suck, but I always wonder if things could be different. What if I jumped that extra mile, what if I had done that? What if I hadn't done that?

That last ones been the kicker lately. 
People who know the extent of the situation say it wasn't my fault, it was the fault of the person who abused the privilege I gave them and then lied to me about it. I agree that that is true; however, I gave them the privilege. I didn't have to trust them but I did. No one was forcing me to, and in this situation they'd abused privileges before but I trusted them. I was confident in the situation and didn't think they could fuck it up as colossally as they did. I just don't want to be some senescent lump in a rocking chair wondering if my Scampers scampered away because of what I did or what someone else did, or lets just call it what happened. 

So what have we learnt? I'd like to say that the moral of the story is to cover up your emotions and not trust people. Be the overconfident douchebag or the feel shitty about yourself mouse. I wish I could say that, but it's so unnatural. People are meant to be social, to take risks, to love and to sometimes regret and wish. People were meant to hope. I'm sorry to all the people who say I should give up on my hope and I realize I'm annoying you more than anything ever could. Thanks for putting up with it, and I really, really hope you'll continue to do so because I can't give up on my hope. It's all I have in this situation right now. Hope and a cloud of maybe. 


流浪汉 瑜伽 Yoga Tramp said...

nice blog, hai friend u r invite to my blog, i want share my yoga life style to u, thk

Anonymous said...

Love you Sandy. :) I'm thinking... write a book. About this situation and end it with this entry (or something like it... certainly the last paragraph). <3

Sandy said...

you know i really, really should. i have all my old journals so i totally could.
but then he'd know i still like him...
oh well. maybe it'd be good.