Tuesday, November 25, 2008

time to leave.

according to a recent ubc grad, the addictive chemical in cigarettes is caffeine. 
the world has been harshly dislabelled. 
i don't want this to come as a diss to ubc, i think it's a pretty good school, minus whatever little whatever that made them accept my brother. all i want to do is explain the level of sheer ignorance in my class. people here think that doing work on time is wayyy to hard and unnecessary. what would they do without the annual night of drinking with their girlfriends?! 
umm... maybe actually beat me in the mark departments? and i didn't do too amazingly well, so its not like it's exceptionally hard. 
i'm starting to get really frustrated- like time to drop out frustrated. the teachers are so unprofessional. their always late, and when their here they either bitch about their home life or set us up in front of movies and expect us to learn something. all i've learnt is that i suck at picking out schools. 
which i suppose has some form of a valuable lesson right?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

night 5

so far i've started cleaning my room in an effort to find my passport so i can go on the plane to calgary on thursday night. 
i've gotten quite a bit done, and who knows, maybe i can forego sleep again and finish something. 
i am a little worried though....
i sat through a 5 hour mass today. it was huge, there were so many people. 
anyway, i'm going to try to sleep for about an hour and a half. 
night. 

insomnia

I haven't slept in 2 nights, and i'm not even tired. 
i don't know why this is, and i don't know how to stop it. i haven't slept without melatonin in 2 months, and even then i only get 3 or 4 hours. I'm actually starting to get worried about my health. I'm thinking this isn't the textbook definition of normal and/or healthy. 
I have gotten a lot done. when you don't sleep, you'd be surprised how much TIME you have.
ok, i call bull on myself and will totally admit all i've been doing is watching a LOT of internet tv. in my defense, i've learned a LOT. did you know, for example, that a guy did a 40 year study of playboy (altogether now, 1,2,3... CREEPO!) and found that in times of economic recession models got older, taller and heavier? 
take out the older part, and i just might make some extra money nude modeling. speaking of nude modeling, i learnt from manswers that to tell the difference between a cop and a hooker all you have to do is ask if they'll do nude modeling. a cop'll say no, but a hooker'll be like "hell ya". 
did you know that an ear can hold 9 pounds? the longest word in alphabetical order in the english language is almost. that one made me think of the bowling for soup song, and so i listened to it for the other 4 hours that were left until 6 am on that night. 
one night i measured myself every 5 minutes and found that i was 1 and a half inches shorter than i thought. being 5'8.5" feels odd. i was relieved that i can still be a rockette. 
i've been doing a lot of yoga too. i'm closer to doing the splits than i've been in a LONG time. 
i've memorized the family channel late night schedule, and i've contemplated my future a lot, and thought about taking jewelry design after jci. 

well, my brother just came home wasted. thats fun. 
it's probably a subconcious thing, i don't want to sleep because i'll miss homecomings like this. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

the latest crazy idea... this ones more moooooney

I got another crazy idea, and made sure to tell the right people. 
as we all know there is nothing i love more than concerts and music festivals. and everyone knows no one does music festivals better than the british. also, no one has a larger gathering of super yummy accents. so the one thats obviously most important is Glastonbury, it's epic. so i must go. i MUST! the only problem is i'll be missing my cousin's wedding. maybe it'd be best to wait a year, then it'd give everyone more time to save up.... 
but i kind of really want to go. 
i don't know, what do you guys think?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

tonight: the events.

so, last night i told my mom i was going to my friends house for a sleepover because her mom was away, and she didn't want to sleep in the house alone.
realllllllly, i was going to go from waterfront to granville, passing skidrow and sneaking into a club where my favorite band, the heck, was playing. btw, i think they should pay me because i've mentioned them like 4 bazillion times on here. so, my moms reaction to that was "your 18, so i'm not saying no, but just thnk about the people your hanging out with."

i didn't all out lie. i did go to her house! well, her boyfriends house... anyway, they were smoking and drinking in the basement, and then they like lit up a joint. now, we all know my policy on drinking: it's cool if you can control yourself, but i like control of my bodily functions. as for smoking, i don't do it. in my opinion it's a waste of money and smells bad. as for weed, it's another thing i'm not into. people use heightened sensations as their reason to do it, i don't know if i like that. i'd rather work on heightening my mind and senses so i feel good ALL the time. so, while i did feel a bittle awkward, i bought them all pizza. everybody likes pizza!

At 9 i left to go downtown. transit wasn't nearly as scary as i'd thought! when i got there, i met up with my friend Liza, and we headed to the club, which was like 5 block away. it was past skid row, which was mildly scary, but the hobo count was SURPISINGLY low. anyway, when we were approaching the club, we went over the plan: Liza would talk, i would not giggle. she kept talking about how she was so nervous. i was nervous, but excited too. it was like my nerves had ignited and wanted to do something crazy and fun and amazing.

We got there and worked up some nerve. a guy came up to us and asked if we had tickets. (dontcha love scalpers?) I was like, "if we have tickets, will they id us?" he gave us a look. "i forgot mine."
he nodded and said "you'll have to talk to those guys over there." and nodded towards the bouncers.
me and Liza looked at each other. she looked nervous, i could tell that the plan of action wasn't going to work. i had to step up. when i get nervous, i transform. i act. i become a character in an improv show. so, my character was a newly 19 year old, who wanted to go into a club. she was totally innocent, had never even had a sip of wine (outside of church of course). all she wanted was to get into a club and celebrate that she was 19. her friend was taking her out to celeberate. her friend had been 19 since september. she was fun, exciting, amazing. this girl i was playing was IT! she went up to the bouncer and was like "i'm totally stupid and only grabbed cash..........." she raised her eyebrows.
he looked at me, her, "how old are you?" he looked skeptical, but accepting. i've always been tall and curvy, i've always looked older. i could feel him eyeing me in my jeans, black t shirt, half sweater, heels and flashy necklace i'd made myself.
in a situation like this, i know that timing is critical: answer too fast and they'll know that your anxious. wound up like a spring being crushed. answer too slowly and it'll look like you contemplated it, whether it was worth it. imagine my surprise when i heard "19." coming out of her mouth, my voice, at the perfect time. he turned to liza, who whispered out the same answer.
he looked at her, then me again. "we have to talk to our bosses."
they came, and asked how old we are again, and then asked if we had ANY picture id. i had my student card, as did she. we talked to them a bit more. they were going to let me in, but not her.
i had two options. one, i could go in alone, see the band of all bands, and be alone, and risk Liza never talking to me again. or, i could give up, accept that i tried and did the most daring thing of my life, and go with her. we went to cafe crepe, then i came home.
i learnt two things, if you ditch your friends to party, you won't have any to party with, and sometimes when you come up with crazy, daring, stupid plans, give em a try. even if they don't work, the results might amaze you.

Tonight: The set up.

Tonight i am about to embark on what is probably THE stupidest thing i will ever do. 
usually i get the ideas and then just laugh em off and forget them, but this time, one of my friends wants to MAKE IT HAPPEN. 
tonight, me and my friend are going to try to sneak into a club, so i can see my favorite band, the band of ALL bands (are you getting how much i love this band?! if you haven't checked em out yet, do it now. would i be going through all this trouble for suckage?) 
i've got $150 in each bra cup and nerves the size of my ass. 
gahhh! 
wish me luck! 

i give up + my hair.

So, still no word on how i'm going to get into this concert tomorrow night. 
i'm almost ready to give up on seeing one of my favorite bands EVER. in the history of life live. 

anyway, in other news i got my hair cut today. i went to the school salon because, well, i'm cheap. and i want to support students. yeah, that sounds good. seriously though, this girl did an AMAZING job. her name was like Rachel or something. 

let me start by saying that i am a hell of a customer for hairdressers. up until i started paying for my own haircuts, my dad INSISTED i keep my hair short. i have a round face, so short hair doesn't look so good. i keep it pretty long, halfway down my back. i used to be worse. in ballet you CANNOT have bangs since you need to keep your hair back, in a tight, flat bun. so the rules i had before, were bunnable and long. no bangs. sooooo since my non ballet life has started (which, by the way, isn't working to well. i really miss it. it's like i finally get to do pointe and....) so i GOT BANGS! Rachel (?) was amazing. she was like, "what do you want?" and i was like "long." and instead of just being boring, she was like "what movies do you like?" "Rocky Horror Picture Show, A Little Princess (shut up) and Across the Universe." then she was like "Style wise, what's your favorite magazine?" "Nylon". and last but not least, "what are your top favorite bands?" "The Heck, Nine Inch Nails and Flipron." 
i ended up with the best cut of my life, just because she felt like she knew me and what i wanted. she had an older brother too and so she provided absolutely fab conversation. its one of my greatest loves when i can get something cheaper and better. 
the whole thing? 10 bucks! and i must say, i look dam good. :)

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

my biggest pet peeve...

so, my favorite band The Heck (www.myspace.com/theheck) is doing there first concert since they got a new drummer, and it's the first concert in like a bajillion years, and where are they doing it? 
A CLUB. 
that is my number one pet peeve with bands. i'm 18, one year away. and i would like to mention that i was the THIRD fan on facebook. I have their first album that magically disappeared from itunes. thank god i bought it because it's probably one of the best i've heard in a long, long time. i have loved this band since forever and now i'm being cruelly deprived of their concert because i was conceived a year to late! 

the sad part is, i don't even want to drink, i just want to go to all the concerts that are in clubs. i don't understand why it's so common, aren't teenagers the ones with the disposable incomes who can spend money on the concerts?! 

anyway, the base of this rant is: to any bands out there, make it all ages. PLEASE! 

Sunday, November 9, 2008

the purpose of life.

i do a lot of those surveys on facebook. i like to pretend people are interested in my life. the question prompted me, and inspired me.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
i'm not sure yet. i suppose it's to be a functioning part of society- whatever that means. i sometimes think i was meant to travel the world, but then... i don't know about that either.
my name means helper of mankind, which makes me wonder if that isn't some sort of prophecy to fill. i mean really, how can one not only identify their purpose, but even then stick with the commitment they made to themselves?

I find that others tend to think that they should tell others their purpose. my mom thinks i should be an auctioneer, which does seem like a pretty good fit. i can talk fast and accuratley, and i LOVE being the center of attention and having people listen to me. even if what i'm saying is totally useless. it's also a pretty well demanded job.

My dad thinks i should go into real estate or commercial building projects. i know this mainly stems from the fact that i like money. Also it would give me a little bit of power i could abuse. i love to boss people around, and giving me power wouldn't be such a good idea.

My nonna thinks that failing me getting married right after high school ("Sandrina, when i was your age, i was getting married. eh?"), i should be a teacher. i like kids, and i do genuinley enjoy teaching people things. i really don't think i have the patience to teach, i mean i teach kids one class and i think, "why can they just warm up WITHOUT talking?!" i know all my dear old nonna wants is for me to be like her golden child, my mother.

Other people have thoughts rooted in self benefit: according to Chris i should get a high paying job so he can live on my couch and play warcraft all day, jordan thinks i should get into couture so i help launch his career by the powers of association.

I guess my intentions for my life will probably be rooted in self benefit, which sickens me a bit. I want to do whats best for me, but at the same time i feel so selfish and gross.

To be perfectly honest, thinking about life after may scares me. i really don't have any plans for my life, i'm slowly burning through my savings and i think my mental health is at serious risk. (see yesterday and the split ends hunt. amazingly i found more tonight. what is UP with my hair?!) I know a need a plan, but i really hate plans. making them not only sounds like a lot of effort, but i also hate how final it is. i feel like crap when i break them, and more often than not i do.

I think i'm just going to never cut my hair and spend the rest of my life cutting out split ends.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

desperation and split ends.

tonight i spent 3 hours picking split ends out of my hair. this worries me for not one, but two main reasons: 
1) i had 3 hours on a friday night that i was able to devote to crawling through each strand of hair and 
2) do you have any clue how many split ends that is? mind you i did constantly lose my place, but still. i just got my hair cut in the summer. 

this is my life now. i don't really know what happened. one day i was doing things and life seemed social and like i was getting it together, and now i spend 2 and a half hours playing wiifit every night (not a total loss though- i must say, i look dam hot.) 
still, i think that this is the sign of absolute desperation. 
great. 

Thursday, November 6, 2008

for some odd reason inspiration hasn't really come to me in any way, shape or form lately. i feel a bit like a lifeless sack that just wants to eat soup all day until spring comes and the sun starts shining. not that i especially love spring, it's actuallly one of my least favorite seasons. i remember spring as a time where i get really sick and sneeze myself to death. i much prefer winter and the magic of christmas.

however i must say that looking out at the trees in my yard (i'm blessed with having a prodigious amount of forest on one side of my house in replacement of neighbours and a beautiful ravine extending out from the backyard) i was almost waiting for the teensiest glimpse of spring. as much as i slightly dread spring it does have its ups. i love sitting in the backyard with a book, or being able to take monty for a run in the yard. what i love most is how i know summer isn't far, and soon i'll be another year older. i'll have the best fruits and veggies and i'll be able to wear white cotton dresses.

spring this year will do double duty. not only will it be fresh and allergytastic, but it will also signify the end of my post secondary (and quite possibly my entire) educational career. maybe thats a good thing, but at the same time i'm scared. now is when i need to consider life, real life. i need to get a job, and either pay rent to stay here or move out. i need to decide where i'm going to travel too and when and how i'm going to pay for it. i need to get a job, i won't have a security net of school to fall back on. i want it to be spring, i really do. but i think some sort of eternal winter will have to do for now.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

It's that time again...

I don't know about anyone else, but I start thinking about Christmas now. Once haloween is over, it's fair game. Plus, the sooner I think, the longer I have to make my list. When I was a kid it was even earlier- the minute the sears wishbook came out, i was all over it. My Christmas lists were a work of art. I had the item, then i had different stores, the prices there and which malls they were located in. I also included item numbers if they were available to me and if neccesary a colour and size. Despite all this effort, I still ended up with some amazingly awful gifts, but thats not the point I'm making here.

If i were to add up all my Christmas pressents, I'm sure I would easily get at least $500-$1,000 if not more. I don't need anything I got. In the way of basic neccesities i'm well taken care of. I don't need any more clothes, and if I want them, I could easily make them. So how come I felt that rush of euphoric materialism when the sears catolouge came in the mail?

The answer is incredibly simple: I am selfish. I admit it. I'm a human being and as much as it kills me to say it, I think greed is part of the human condition. We want more, need more, lust after more for whatever sick reason.

You know how they say admitting your problem is the first step to recovery? Well, heres my first year of recovery from sick, sick materialism. This is my Christmas List:
From my Parents: A Water Buffalo for a Filipino village. One water buffalo can provide draft power, milk and manure. Families can also earn money by renting it out.
From my Aunt: Filling a Library in a devoloping country. Reading is important, it's one of my favorite things to do. No one should be deprived of the skill or pleasure.
From my Aunt and Uncle and Cousins- A two day stay at a camp for a child. I went to guide camp for a week once, it was probably the most fun i've had. Ever. imagine if my whole life was working and i got to do this, it would be so much more meaningful.
From the Great Aunts: A sewing course. it's an important skill, and people can make money off of it. A flock of Chicks, Ducks or Geese, and a Trio of Rabbits. Livestock helps families eat and provides a source of income by selling eggs, etc.
(all these gifts are from either www.heifer.org or from CFHI http://www.cfhi.ca/Gifts?leadsource=115&gclid=COunkfH6wZYCFQykagodZj8Fyg)

I used to want to go into adolescent psychology for one reason: I wanted to help kids. I shared this dream with a person who at the time was a close friend. She responded by telling me that was so cliche. You know whats really cliche? Not caring about the state of the world or the well being of others. I don't care if it's "cliche", Help people. we are the only chance others have.
And honestly i'd rather be cliche than be a bitch, wouldn't you?