Sunday, October 26, 2008

Have you ever looked at yourself? like REALLY looked at yourself. i'm not takling like just a glance, but actually stared at yourself for 10 minutes?

As a child I had to see a psycologist for some sleep issues, mainly the fact that i didn't. i would stay up all night worrying about everything, but mainly how i looked. at 12 years old i believed i was absolutley terribly fat beyond repair and that i didn't deserve anything. i'd stay up crying about it and actually brainstorming ways my life would be better if i were thin, if i were pretty (i still peruse these journals from time to time...) I had made a 4 page list of everything that was wrong with me. It went from my obsessive personality, to my hips, to my exceptionally large toes and everything in between. i showed this to the doctor.

She told me to look at myself in the mirror for 10 minutes. i was supposed to be in the mindset that i was looking at someone else. what would i think about this person if i had just passed them in random crossing. after that i was supposed to remake the list of flaws.
it was half a page.
i guess this partly comes from my anger post yesterday. maybe it comes from the fact that i've pretty much been sitting in my room eating curry for i don't even know how many days with minimal human interaction. maybe i've finally lost it. honestly, i wouldn't be surprised.
all i know is tonight i'm going to look in the mirror, and hopefully have one line.

2 comments:

Tainted Hope said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tainted Hope said...

that post was inspirational. it got me to look at myself in a whole different way. I'm doing now what you used to do,and it obviously isn't helping me any. Your posts are so personal(ish) but they're also relatable to others. So I just wanted to say thanks :]