Friday, October 31, 2008

My thoughts on war strategy

My response to this was simple: what?!

despite how many years of this war going on, i have yet to understand what exactly america is fighting for. my (probably totally wrong) understanding of it is you blew up our building, were going to invade your county. muhaha.

now i don't want to make light of the whole 9/11 thing. it was terrible and yes, it needed to be dealt with. but this certainly couldn't have been the best way. remember in kindergarted when you learnt that two wrongs don't make a right? honestly, sometimes i think that politicians really don't need college degrees, all they need is a year of kindergarten to show them how to really take care of people. isn't that their job?

then we have the whole play nice issue. we all know how i feel about slanderous campaiging. your all big kids now, lets act like it. in kindergarten theres a word for putting someone else down to make yourself look better. it's called bullying. for candidates that pretend to care about youth so much, why are they damaging a 5 year old by showing them that putting people down is clearly ok?

but back to the war, obviously getting people out of the killing zone would be good, and hey! maybe if they didn't have all that money pouring into war they could put some money into making sure the country sucks a little less, or pay off that national debt. but really, how many of you know what exactly their fighting for? do they? has everyone just lost sight of the big picture? what IS the big picture?

what do you think?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

So i guess i got dumped. i think i should be sadder than i am, not that it's not something that is sad, possibly tragic, but i almost feel more relief. Ave always said that he was stifling me. and i guess he was. i mean, was i ever really myself around him? he made me feel stupid, like i had to much energy. like a child.
i'm not a child i'm just uper energetic, and i don't think theres anything wrong w/ that.
so yes, i am a child. yes, i am energetic and whimisical and i think thats wonderful.
did i really want to be with someone who stifled me?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Have you ever looked at yourself? like REALLY looked at yourself. i'm not takling like just a glance, but actually stared at yourself for 10 minutes?

As a child I had to see a psycologist for some sleep issues, mainly the fact that i didn't. i would stay up all night worrying about everything, but mainly how i looked. at 12 years old i believed i was absolutley terribly fat beyond repair and that i didn't deserve anything. i'd stay up crying about it and actually brainstorming ways my life would be better if i were thin, if i were pretty (i still peruse these journals from time to time...) I had made a 4 page list of everything that was wrong with me. It went from my obsessive personality, to my hips, to my exceptionally large toes and everything in between. i showed this to the doctor.

She told me to look at myself in the mirror for 10 minutes. i was supposed to be in the mindset that i was looking at someone else. what would i think about this person if i had just passed them in random crossing. after that i was supposed to remake the list of flaws.
it was half a page.
i guess this partly comes from my anger post yesterday. maybe it comes from the fact that i've pretty much been sitting in my room eating curry for i don't even know how many days with minimal human interaction. maybe i've finally lost it. honestly, i wouldn't be surprised.
all i know is tonight i'm going to look in the mirror, and hopefully have one line.

lets lay it out there...

I am a terrible person.
Seriously, throughout my mere 18 years i've done more harm to my friends, family and environment than anyone ever should. i'm incredibly selfish and don't seem to be doing anything about it. i'm lazy, and i procrastinate like no other. i take on too much because i don't want to say no and then blame everyone else for my misery, for not being able to get everything else done.
i love bottled water, i leave lights on and i litter. i am a ruthless, compulsive gossip and i have no sense of commitment. i'm hyper obsessive and try to micromanage ecerything
by any accounts i am a horrible, horrible person. i know this and yet when people hate me for no reason i can't fathom why.

but heres a thought, maybe it's all ok. because maybe, just maybe, every mistake i've made, every drunk friend who's called me a bitch, every fight with my parents, maybe it's all been leading up to something. some improvement of myself, some way i can compensate. maybe i should give it all up and just be nice. not all sugary sweet fake nice, but just nice. genuine sweet and kind and caring.
wish me luck.