Monday, December 22, 2008

Freezing cold toes = mega buzz kill...

So Sandra, myself and a friend of mine/ours were at a concert last night downtown. Now this was not just any concert, oh no; this concert was the very essence of something that I have been waiting for some genius to come up with for AGES. For those of you who know things about Canadian music, the four bands that were playing were Sebastian Granger and the Mountains, The Dears, Tokyo Police Club and (wait for it...) METRIC. So, obviously, this should have been one of the most epic experiences of my life. Vancouver in general apparently had other ideas.

The first problem we had was that outside it was OBSCENELY cold yesterday, and inside wasn't much warmer. Apparently this was because the backstage doors were thrown wide... Fun. Second, this general coldness didn't really conducive of a very energetic vibe for the audience, so things were rather boring down in the front where we were. Mind you, we were off to one side, but even so. There seemed to be very little excitement throughout the audience in general. I think this was also because most people were just there for Metric, which, while understandable, kind of ruins it for the rest of us. Third, the opening band (Sebastian Granger and the Mountains) were really rather boring, plus one of them was going shirtless who Really shouldn't have been, so that was rather off-putting. All these combined meant that only once Metric came on was there any real energy in the audience, so up until that point it was not the greatest mood.

In any case, the last three bands all played excellent sets (although I did think the lead singer of The Dears looked a little predatory...) and performed well. I enjoyed myself for the most part, aside from this one guy near the end who decided it would be fun to a) practically crush me against a speaker and b) fart. And I mean REALLY fart, like, it was gross... But yeah, overall a good time. Great way to start off the Christmas run down.

And on that note, I'd like to wish everyone a Holly Jolly Christmas and a Happy New Year! ;)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

brilliance.

do you ever look back on something you wrote and just get astounded by your brilliance?
heres a blog i wrote a lonnnng time ago (like for the ollllld site) and never posted. enjoy!
p.s, this actually REALLY helped me because i've been looking for the name of that book for eons)

Well I do believe I’m somewhere on the cochalla (or however you spell it) so here’s my bloggggerz from the road! Aren’t u excited???
Ok well, first let me say a prayer.
Thank you, good lord for my ipod, laptop and mom’s generous visa allowance that I blew on itunes last night.
Ok. Now here is a list of fun things to do while stuck in a car with your parents who have manalo’s up their asses.
1. sing REALLLLLLY loudly when your dads making a business call.
2. Compile all the songs you know about suicide and sing them loudly. Watch parents whisper about sending you back to psychologists.
3. Sing the song that never ends. When they tell you to stop, switch the song that gets on everybody’s nerves. – classic.
4. Put your feet in the drivers face.
5. Give the people in the car beside you the finger. (especially fun if the people are old)
6. Make sarcastic comments about everything said by parents.
7. Read serious book (may I recommend king leopold’s ghost) and laugh really obnoxiously. Watch parents wonder if your becoming a sadist like older brother.
8. Play dope wars and yell “YAH GO COCAINE!!!” in random intervals.
9. Make screamo beats on garage band. sing them often.
got anymore?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

my life hath been ruined.

annie, i love you but you've ruined my life. i woke up at 5 am because i had to find out how the conversation between elizabeth and charlotte played out. 
which wouldn't have been so tragic if i hadn't fallen asleep at 4:30....
anyway, besides doing a lot of reading i've also come down with an outstanding case of writers block. i used to be a pretty good lyricist, but now nothings coming. it's like my body has some weird mental block that i just can't move past... 
i think i might actually need to see a doctor about this sleep thing....

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

One down, anyway.

Yesterday was (almost) the day from Hell, but I survived. And my reward is, even if my exams didn't go as swimmingly as I would have liked, I now have like three weeks to do whatever the devil I feel like. Times are good.

And for this reason, Sandy and myself are going to a play this afternoon! I'd look forward to a little overview of it if I were you! ;)

The other thing that's happening now that classes (and exams) are over is THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!!! :D It is definitely working its way into pretty much every thought that I'm having these days... Is it lame that an 18 year old still gets this excited about Christmas? I hope not... In any case, I do, so it can't really be helped. :P The problem is that the house has not yet been decorated (!!!). I really must get on that... Perhaps this weekend?

At the moment I am listening to Frosty the Snowman by Patti Page. Ain't Christmas the greatest??? :D

Saturday, December 6, 2008

this.

I started writing a song, well, that was my intention. 
it turned into this: 


I know I am loved
I used to not believe, I was spoken to
People hate me for this love. 

Love is not hate, it is not jealous. 
Love is not selfish, love is kind. 
I know this, for I know I am loved. 

I am constantly under the spell this love casts. 
Like a prisoner that doesn't want to freed. 
I am happy. 

I distrust this love often, how can I be loved so greatly? 
I test this love
I shamefully do things I know will destroy this love. 

I am still loved. 

This love defines me. Above all, it is what I want to be known for. 
I don't want to be known for my hate and greed. 
I want to be known for sharing love, so everyone can love. 

Reach out to me. 
You will always see me. 
Love glows, love flickers. 
On the water those who are loved will shine forever. 

gahhh

my body feels like it's crying. i want to sleep, but i can't. my mom is yelling at me for being unproductive and not doing dishes and i can't yell back because i can't talk about a squeak and even that feels like someones ripping out my vocal chords. 
i just want to lie on the couch and sleep all day. 
but i can't because i have dishes. 
fab.

Friday, December 5, 2008

A short rant...

Now I want you all to bear in mind that this is coming straight from the mouth of an English major.

This afternoon, the Ella Enchanted movie was on TV. I have seen it before, and it is fun, so I watched a bit of it before dinner and had a generally fun time; however, it got me thinking. There have been countless movies before it that gave me the same idea: why is it that Hollywood has to make movies from books that do a Horrible job of encapsulating the story, characters and issues of the plot, but are so much fun??? The latest version of The Importance of Being Earnest comes to mind (starring Colin Firth as Jack Worthing and Rupert Everett as Algernon Moncrieff — now, for those who don't know, this is quite possibly the single funniest play ever written and I highly suggest you read it). Now in this version of Earnest, just as in the Ella Enchanted movie, they've completely (though not as badly) mangled the script and chopped up the story line for the pure purpose of making it "Hollywood accessible" or some weak excuse like that. Ella Enchanted is even Worse; almost the entire plot of the film is made up, as are some of the characters, and even those characters who Did exist are forced to take on entirely different roles because of the warped story. Now, having said that, I do not exactly dislike the film... It's lots of fun at times. Being that this is not one of the movies I've basically memorized (and there are many) I can't give you an example, but it does have it's moments.


At any rate, my point is this: I always feel guilty about enjoying a movie that should make someone like me (who essentially worships books) cringe with disgust and leave after five seconds. The Harry Potter movies do make me do this often, but there is a certain amount of obligation there, so I sit through them anyway. So now that I feel guilty about it, and I've made my peace with my conscience, I'm going to go and watch the end of the movie (which I missed) on youtube. Ciao!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Hidey Doodey.

Hello world of blogging! This is all very new for me, so we're just going to play it by ear. Sound good? I hope so.

So. Let's start with my life.

Today. Today is a good place to start... I slept in a little bit this morning, which was nice. I should have spent the whole day studying for my French exam, but most of it was idled away on Facebook (of course). Also I did some knitting. Oh, man, I must tell you about my knitting.

Okay, so I am knitting my first pair of socks. Now you must understand that I come from a LOOOONNNGGG line of knitters (or at least, knitting women) on all sides of my family, so the fact that I'm only just taking it up is kind of incredible. However, sometimes these things take time, I suppose. In any case, I digress. I am finally learning to knit socks, and my Aunt gave me some marvelous sock yarn to start with. We are Very excited about this sock yarn. I'm nearly finished one whole sock and it looks Incredible. The main colour is red (and I mean REALLY red), but it's also got pretty much every colour in the spectrum in there in little splotches as well, so they're just totally rainbow. My cousin refers to them (accurately) as 'party socks'. The best part is that all the little splotches of colour are actually in the right order. I have a lot of fun with them, I must say. And I'm actually really enjoying the tiny gauge, it's very easy for my equally tiny hands to manipulate. I find that the bigger yarns tend to slip off of my hands...

So anyway, enough about knitting. Let's see, what else happened today... Oh yes, so while I was knitting I watched one of the greatest Christmas movies Ever to get myself into the spirit of the season; I am speaking, of course, of the Muppet Christmas Carol. For those among you who haven't seen it (and you really must rectify this), the movie stars all the usual suspects (i.e., Kermit as Bob Cratchet, Miss Piggy and Mrs. Cratchet, Fozzie Bear as Mr. Fezziewig (or Fozziewig, in this case) and Gonzo as Mr. Charles Dickens) and Michael Caine as Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge. Now, Michael Caine is without doubt (and the Globe and Mail supports me on this :P ) the Best Mr. Scrooge Of all time. He is so perfectly belligerent, I cannot begin to describe how perfect he is for this role. Absolutely amazing. And I love Gonzo as Dickens, what a great narrator he makes. The thing that I love about Muppet movies (and this is no exception) is that they invariably contain fourth wall breaks. I mean, Rizzo openly acknowledges the audience at least once, and refers to Gonzo out of character quite blatantly, plus there's Sam the Eagle's big slip while acting as Young Scrooge's teacher: "It is the American way!" you have to see the movie to get it, but it's really just a hoot and a half. Go check it out. 'Tis the season, after all.

And then of course, there was my French exam. We will not go into any real detail on this, I would prefer not to discuss such dreary things here. And so, I think it only right to close with a quote from Pride and Prejudice (the single greatest book ever written), to help you get to know me a little both because of the source and because of the quote itself: "There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me."

introducccccccccing: ANNIE!

so i know your all probably terribly bored with me, so i'm adding the wonderful annie into the mix :D 
annie's like, my best friend, and shes crazy talented and crazy cool. anyway, i'll let her write for herself, and let all of ya judge her accordingly :P 

canadian politics just got entertaining.

so for those of you who don't keep up with Canadian politics, the conservatives won the election (yayy! now criminals might be in jail for more than 5 minutes!) with a minority. so, by my understanding of a democracy, that means they won and the rest should get over it, they lost. try harder next time. 
the last thing they should do is band together and try to overtake the people that won. 
like really, did my vote even MATTER?!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

a picture is worth a thousand words....


this was at the zoo. 
nuff' said. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

time to leave.

according to a recent ubc grad, the addictive chemical in cigarettes is caffeine. 
the world has been harshly dislabelled. 
i don't want this to come as a diss to ubc, i think it's a pretty good school, minus whatever little whatever that made them accept my brother. all i want to do is explain the level of sheer ignorance in my class. people here think that doing work on time is wayyy to hard and unnecessary. what would they do without the annual night of drinking with their girlfriends?! 
umm... maybe actually beat me in the mark departments? and i didn't do too amazingly well, so its not like it's exceptionally hard. 
i'm starting to get really frustrated- like time to drop out frustrated. the teachers are so unprofessional. their always late, and when their here they either bitch about their home life or set us up in front of movies and expect us to learn something. all i've learnt is that i suck at picking out schools. 
which i suppose has some form of a valuable lesson right?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

night 5

so far i've started cleaning my room in an effort to find my passport so i can go on the plane to calgary on thursday night. 
i've gotten quite a bit done, and who knows, maybe i can forego sleep again and finish something. 
i am a little worried though....
i sat through a 5 hour mass today. it was huge, there were so many people. 
anyway, i'm going to try to sleep for about an hour and a half. 
night. 

insomnia

I haven't slept in 2 nights, and i'm not even tired. 
i don't know why this is, and i don't know how to stop it. i haven't slept without melatonin in 2 months, and even then i only get 3 or 4 hours. I'm actually starting to get worried about my health. I'm thinking this isn't the textbook definition of normal and/or healthy. 
I have gotten a lot done. when you don't sleep, you'd be surprised how much TIME you have.
ok, i call bull on myself and will totally admit all i've been doing is watching a LOT of internet tv. in my defense, i've learned a LOT. did you know, for example, that a guy did a 40 year study of playboy (altogether now, 1,2,3... CREEPO!) and found that in times of economic recession models got older, taller and heavier? 
take out the older part, and i just might make some extra money nude modeling. speaking of nude modeling, i learnt from manswers that to tell the difference between a cop and a hooker all you have to do is ask if they'll do nude modeling. a cop'll say no, but a hooker'll be like "hell ya". 
did you know that an ear can hold 9 pounds? the longest word in alphabetical order in the english language is almost. that one made me think of the bowling for soup song, and so i listened to it for the other 4 hours that were left until 6 am on that night. 
one night i measured myself every 5 minutes and found that i was 1 and a half inches shorter than i thought. being 5'8.5" feels odd. i was relieved that i can still be a rockette. 
i've been doing a lot of yoga too. i'm closer to doing the splits than i've been in a LONG time. 
i've memorized the family channel late night schedule, and i've contemplated my future a lot, and thought about taking jewelry design after jci. 

well, my brother just came home wasted. thats fun. 
it's probably a subconcious thing, i don't want to sleep because i'll miss homecomings like this. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

the latest crazy idea... this ones more moooooney

I got another crazy idea, and made sure to tell the right people. 
as we all know there is nothing i love more than concerts and music festivals. and everyone knows no one does music festivals better than the british. also, no one has a larger gathering of super yummy accents. so the one thats obviously most important is Glastonbury, it's epic. so i must go. i MUST! the only problem is i'll be missing my cousin's wedding. maybe it'd be best to wait a year, then it'd give everyone more time to save up.... 
but i kind of really want to go. 
i don't know, what do you guys think?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

tonight: the events.

so, last night i told my mom i was going to my friends house for a sleepover because her mom was away, and she didn't want to sleep in the house alone.
realllllllly, i was going to go from waterfront to granville, passing skidrow and sneaking into a club where my favorite band, the heck, was playing. btw, i think they should pay me because i've mentioned them like 4 bazillion times on here. so, my moms reaction to that was "your 18, so i'm not saying no, but just thnk about the people your hanging out with."

i didn't all out lie. i did go to her house! well, her boyfriends house... anyway, they were smoking and drinking in the basement, and then they like lit up a joint. now, we all know my policy on drinking: it's cool if you can control yourself, but i like control of my bodily functions. as for smoking, i don't do it. in my opinion it's a waste of money and smells bad. as for weed, it's another thing i'm not into. people use heightened sensations as their reason to do it, i don't know if i like that. i'd rather work on heightening my mind and senses so i feel good ALL the time. so, while i did feel a bittle awkward, i bought them all pizza. everybody likes pizza!

At 9 i left to go downtown. transit wasn't nearly as scary as i'd thought! when i got there, i met up with my friend Liza, and we headed to the club, which was like 5 block away. it was past skid row, which was mildly scary, but the hobo count was SURPISINGLY low. anyway, when we were approaching the club, we went over the plan: Liza would talk, i would not giggle. she kept talking about how she was so nervous. i was nervous, but excited too. it was like my nerves had ignited and wanted to do something crazy and fun and amazing.

We got there and worked up some nerve. a guy came up to us and asked if we had tickets. (dontcha love scalpers?) I was like, "if we have tickets, will they id us?" he gave us a look. "i forgot mine."
he nodded and said "you'll have to talk to those guys over there." and nodded towards the bouncers.
me and Liza looked at each other. she looked nervous, i could tell that the plan of action wasn't going to work. i had to step up. when i get nervous, i transform. i act. i become a character in an improv show. so, my character was a newly 19 year old, who wanted to go into a club. she was totally innocent, had never even had a sip of wine (outside of church of course). all she wanted was to get into a club and celebrate that she was 19. her friend was taking her out to celeberate. her friend had been 19 since september. she was fun, exciting, amazing. this girl i was playing was IT! she went up to the bouncer and was like "i'm totally stupid and only grabbed cash..........." she raised her eyebrows.
he looked at me, her, "how old are you?" he looked skeptical, but accepting. i've always been tall and curvy, i've always looked older. i could feel him eyeing me in my jeans, black t shirt, half sweater, heels and flashy necklace i'd made myself.
in a situation like this, i know that timing is critical: answer too fast and they'll know that your anxious. wound up like a spring being crushed. answer too slowly and it'll look like you contemplated it, whether it was worth it. imagine my surprise when i heard "19." coming out of her mouth, my voice, at the perfect time. he turned to liza, who whispered out the same answer.
he looked at her, then me again. "we have to talk to our bosses."
they came, and asked how old we are again, and then asked if we had ANY picture id. i had my student card, as did she. we talked to them a bit more. they were going to let me in, but not her.
i had two options. one, i could go in alone, see the band of all bands, and be alone, and risk Liza never talking to me again. or, i could give up, accept that i tried and did the most daring thing of my life, and go with her. we went to cafe crepe, then i came home.
i learnt two things, if you ditch your friends to party, you won't have any to party with, and sometimes when you come up with crazy, daring, stupid plans, give em a try. even if they don't work, the results might amaze you.

Tonight: The set up.

Tonight i am about to embark on what is probably THE stupidest thing i will ever do. 
usually i get the ideas and then just laugh em off and forget them, but this time, one of my friends wants to MAKE IT HAPPEN. 
tonight, me and my friend are going to try to sneak into a club, so i can see my favorite band, the band of ALL bands (are you getting how much i love this band?! if you haven't checked em out yet, do it now. would i be going through all this trouble for suckage?) 
i've got $150 in each bra cup and nerves the size of my ass. 
gahhh! 
wish me luck! 

i give up + my hair.

So, still no word on how i'm going to get into this concert tomorrow night. 
i'm almost ready to give up on seeing one of my favorite bands EVER. in the history of life live. 

anyway, in other news i got my hair cut today. i went to the school salon because, well, i'm cheap. and i want to support students. yeah, that sounds good. seriously though, this girl did an AMAZING job. her name was like Rachel or something. 

let me start by saying that i am a hell of a customer for hairdressers. up until i started paying for my own haircuts, my dad INSISTED i keep my hair short. i have a round face, so short hair doesn't look so good. i keep it pretty long, halfway down my back. i used to be worse. in ballet you CANNOT have bangs since you need to keep your hair back, in a tight, flat bun. so the rules i had before, were bunnable and long. no bangs. sooooo since my non ballet life has started (which, by the way, isn't working to well. i really miss it. it's like i finally get to do pointe and....) so i GOT BANGS! Rachel (?) was amazing. she was like, "what do you want?" and i was like "long." and instead of just being boring, she was like "what movies do you like?" "Rocky Horror Picture Show, A Little Princess (shut up) and Across the Universe." then she was like "Style wise, what's your favorite magazine?" "Nylon". and last but not least, "what are your top favorite bands?" "The Heck, Nine Inch Nails and Flipron." 
i ended up with the best cut of my life, just because she felt like she knew me and what i wanted. she had an older brother too and so she provided absolutely fab conversation. its one of my greatest loves when i can get something cheaper and better. 
the whole thing? 10 bucks! and i must say, i look dam good. :)

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

my biggest pet peeve...

so, my favorite band The Heck (www.myspace.com/theheck) is doing there first concert since they got a new drummer, and it's the first concert in like a bajillion years, and where are they doing it? 
A CLUB. 
that is my number one pet peeve with bands. i'm 18, one year away. and i would like to mention that i was the THIRD fan on facebook. I have their first album that magically disappeared from itunes. thank god i bought it because it's probably one of the best i've heard in a long, long time. i have loved this band since forever and now i'm being cruelly deprived of their concert because i was conceived a year to late! 

the sad part is, i don't even want to drink, i just want to go to all the concerts that are in clubs. i don't understand why it's so common, aren't teenagers the ones with the disposable incomes who can spend money on the concerts?! 

anyway, the base of this rant is: to any bands out there, make it all ages. PLEASE! 

Sunday, November 9, 2008

the purpose of life.

i do a lot of those surveys on facebook. i like to pretend people are interested in my life. the question prompted me, and inspired me.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
i'm not sure yet. i suppose it's to be a functioning part of society- whatever that means. i sometimes think i was meant to travel the world, but then... i don't know about that either.
my name means helper of mankind, which makes me wonder if that isn't some sort of prophecy to fill. i mean really, how can one not only identify their purpose, but even then stick with the commitment they made to themselves?

I find that others tend to think that they should tell others their purpose. my mom thinks i should be an auctioneer, which does seem like a pretty good fit. i can talk fast and accuratley, and i LOVE being the center of attention and having people listen to me. even if what i'm saying is totally useless. it's also a pretty well demanded job.

My dad thinks i should go into real estate or commercial building projects. i know this mainly stems from the fact that i like money. Also it would give me a little bit of power i could abuse. i love to boss people around, and giving me power wouldn't be such a good idea.

My nonna thinks that failing me getting married right after high school ("Sandrina, when i was your age, i was getting married. eh?"), i should be a teacher. i like kids, and i do genuinley enjoy teaching people things. i really don't think i have the patience to teach, i mean i teach kids one class and i think, "why can they just warm up WITHOUT talking?!" i know all my dear old nonna wants is for me to be like her golden child, my mother.

Other people have thoughts rooted in self benefit: according to Chris i should get a high paying job so he can live on my couch and play warcraft all day, jordan thinks i should get into couture so i help launch his career by the powers of association.

I guess my intentions for my life will probably be rooted in self benefit, which sickens me a bit. I want to do whats best for me, but at the same time i feel so selfish and gross.

To be perfectly honest, thinking about life after may scares me. i really don't have any plans for my life, i'm slowly burning through my savings and i think my mental health is at serious risk. (see yesterday and the split ends hunt. amazingly i found more tonight. what is UP with my hair?!) I know a need a plan, but i really hate plans. making them not only sounds like a lot of effort, but i also hate how final it is. i feel like crap when i break them, and more often than not i do.

I think i'm just going to never cut my hair and spend the rest of my life cutting out split ends.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

desperation and split ends.

tonight i spent 3 hours picking split ends out of my hair. this worries me for not one, but two main reasons: 
1) i had 3 hours on a friday night that i was able to devote to crawling through each strand of hair and 
2) do you have any clue how many split ends that is? mind you i did constantly lose my place, but still. i just got my hair cut in the summer. 

this is my life now. i don't really know what happened. one day i was doing things and life seemed social and like i was getting it together, and now i spend 2 and a half hours playing wiifit every night (not a total loss though- i must say, i look dam hot.) 
still, i think that this is the sign of absolute desperation. 
great. 

Thursday, November 6, 2008

for some odd reason inspiration hasn't really come to me in any way, shape or form lately. i feel a bit like a lifeless sack that just wants to eat soup all day until spring comes and the sun starts shining. not that i especially love spring, it's actuallly one of my least favorite seasons. i remember spring as a time where i get really sick and sneeze myself to death. i much prefer winter and the magic of christmas.

however i must say that looking out at the trees in my yard (i'm blessed with having a prodigious amount of forest on one side of my house in replacement of neighbours and a beautiful ravine extending out from the backyard) i was almost waiting for the teensiest glimpse of spring. as much as i slightly dread spring it does have its ups. i love sitting in the backyard with a book, or being able to take monty for a run in the yard. what i love most is how i know summer isn't far, and soon i'll be another year older. i'll have the best fruits and veggies and i'll be able to wear white cotton dresses.

spring this year will do double duty. not only will it be fresh and allergytastic, but it will also signify the end of my post secondary (and quite possibly my entire) educational career. maybe thats a good thing, but at the same time i'm scared. now is when i need to consider life, real life. i need to get a job, and either pay rent to stay here or move out. i need to decide where i'm going to travel too and when and how i'm going to pay for it. i need to get a job, i won't have a security net of school to fall back on. i want it to be spring, i really do. but i think some sort of eternal winter will have to do for now.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

It's that time again...

I don't know about anyone else, but I start thinking about Christmas now. Once haloween is over, it's fair game. Plus, the sooner I think, the longer I have to make my list. When I was a kid it was even earlier- the minute the sears wishbook came out, i was all over it. My Christmas lists were a work of art. I had the item, then i had different stores, the prices there and which malls they were located in. I also included item numbers if they were available to me and if neccesary a colour and size. Despite all this effort, I still ended up with some amazingly awful gifts, but thats not the point I'm making here.

If i were to add up all my Christmas pressents, I'm sure I would easily get at least $500-$1,000 if not more. I don't need anything I got. In the way of basic neccesities i'm well taken care of. I don't need any more clothes, and if I want them, I could easily make them. So how come I felt that rush of euphoric materialism when the sears catolouge came in the mail?

The answer is incredibly simple: I am selfish. I admit it. I'm a human being and as much as it kills me to say it, I think greed is part of the human condition. We want more, need more, lust after more for whatever sick reason.

You know how they say admitting your problem is the first step to recovery? Well, heres my first year of recovery from sick, sick materialism. This is my Christmas List:
From my Parents: A Water Buffalo for a Filipino village. One water buffalo can provide draft power, milk and manure. Families can also earn money by renting it out.
From my Aunt: Filling a Library in a devoloping country. Reading is important, it's one of my favorite things to do. No one should be deprived of the skill or pleasure.
From my Aunt and Uncle and Cousins- A two day stay at a camp for a child. I went to guide camp for a week once, it was probably the most fun i've had. Ever. imagine if my whole life was working and i got to do this, it would be so much more meaningful.
From the Great Aunts: A sewing course. it's an important skill, and people can make money off of it. A flock of Chicks, Ducks or Geese, and a Trio of Rabbits. Livestock helps families eat and provides a source of income by selling eggs, etc.
(all these gifts are from either www.heifer.org or from CFHI http://www.cfhi.ca/Gifts?leadsource=115&gclid=COunkfH6wZYCFQykagodZj8Fyg)

I used to want to go into adolescent psychology for one reason: I wanted to help kids. I shared this dream with a person who at the time was a close friend. She responded by telling me that was so cliche. You know whats really cliche? Not caring about the state of the world or the well being of others. I don't care if it's "cliche", Help people. we are the only chance others have.
And honestly i'd rather be cliche than be a bitch, wouldn't you?

Friday, October 31, 2008

My thoughts on war strategy





My response to this was simple: what?!

despite how many years of this war going on, i have yet to understand what exactly america is fighting for. my (probably totally wrong) understanding of it is you blew up our building, were going to invade your county. muhaha.

now i don't want to make light of the whole 9/11 thing. it was terrible and yes, it needed to be dealt with. but this certainly couldn't have been the best way. remember in kindergarted when you learnt that two wrongs don't make a right? honestly, sometimes i think that politicians really don't need college degrees, all they need is a year of kindergarten to show them how to really take care of people. isn't that their job?


then we have the whole play nice issue. we all know how i feel about slanderous campaiging. your all big kids now, lets act like it. in kindergarten theres a word for putting someone else down to make yourself look better. it's called bullying. for candidates that pretend to care about youth so much, why are they damaging a 5 year old by showing them that putting people down is clearly ok?


but back to the war, obviously getting people out of the killing zone would be good, and hey! maybe if they didn't have all that money pouring into war they could put some money into making sure the country sucks a little less, or pay off that national debt. but really, how many of you know what exactly their fighting for? do they? has everyone just lost sight of the big picture? what IS the big picture?

what do you think?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

So i guess i got dumped. i think i should be sadder than i am, not that it's not something that is sad, possibly tragic, but i almost feel more relief. Ave always said that he was stifling me. and i guess he was. i mean, was i ever really myself around him? he made me feel stupid, like i had to much energy. like a child.
i'm not a child i'm just uper energetic, and i don't think theres anything wrong w/ that.
so yes, i am a child. yes, i am energetic and whimisical and i think thats wonderful.
did i really want to be with someone who stifled me?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Have you ever looked at yourself? like REALLY looked at yourself. i'm not takling like just a glance, but actually stared at yourself for 10 minutes?

As a child I had to see a psycologist for some sleep issues, mainly the fact that i didn't. i would stay up all night worrying about everything, but mainly how i looked. at 12 years old i believed i was absolutley terribly fat beyond repair and that i didn't deserve anything. i'd stay up crying about it and actually brainstorming ways my life would be better if i were thin, if i were pretty (i still peruse these journals from time to time...) I had made a 4 page list of everything that was wrong with me. It went from my obsessive personality, to my hips, to my exceptionally large toes and everything in between. i showed this to the doctor.

She told me to look at myself in the mirror for 10 minutes. i was supposed to be in the mindset that i was looking at someone else. what would i think about this person if i had just passed them in random crossing. after that i was supposed to remake the list of flaws.
it was half a page.
i guess this partly comes from my anger post yesterday. maybe it comes from the fact that i've pretty much been sitting in my room eating curry for i don't even know how many days with minimal human interaction. maybe i've finally lost it. honestly, i wouldn't be surprised.
all i know is tonight i'm going to look in the mirror, and hopefully have one line.

lets lay it out there...

I am a terrible person.
Seriously, throughout my mere 18 years i've done more harm to my friends, family and environment than anyone ever should. i'm incredibly selfish and don't seem to be doing anything about it. i'm lazy, and i procrastinate like no other. i take on too much because i don't want to say no and then blame everyone else for my misery, for not being able to get everything else done.
i love bottled water, i leave lights on and i litter. i am a ruthless, compulsive gossip and i have no sense of commitment. i'm hyper obsessive and try to micromanage ecerything
by any accounts i am a horrible, horrible person. i know this and yet when people hate me for no reason i can't fathom why.

but heres a thought, maybe it's all ok. because maybe, just maybe, every mistake i've made, every drunk friend who's called me a bitch, every fight with my parents, maybe it's all been leading up to something. some improvement of myself, some way i can compensate. maybe i should give it all up and just be nice. not all sugary sweet fake nice, but just nice. genuine sweet and kind and caring.
wish me luck.